Steven Wright Quotes: Exploring the Wit of the Absurd

In the world of humor, few minds shine as brilliantly bizarre as that of Steven Wright. Join us on a journey through his thought-provoking and offbeat Steven Wright Quotes and Words.

50 Steven Wright Quotes and Words

1. I have a watch that ticks ahead.
2. I’m so disorganized that I put everything in alphabetical order.
3. Last week, I time traveled…a week.
4. Why don’t turtles ever buy ice cream? Because it’s already frozen!
5. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we know?
6. I wanted to be a veterinarian, but the cows didn’t want to be cured.
7. Why do cemeteries have fences? Because people are dying to go in!
8. I’ve never had a nightmare because I mostly sleep in broad daylight.
9. I bought a magnifying mirror. It’s really a good buy, but it takes me hours to review it.
10. If a mouse builds a nest in your outlet, does that make it a mouse-plug?

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Steven Wright’s Words

1. I tried to kill myself once, but failed. Now I live with invisible scars.
2. Escalators never break down, they just become stairs.
3. I have a friend who is an acupuncturist. He doesn’t have an office. He has a waiting room.
4. I’m allergic to nuts, but I’m also allergic to not eating them.
5. If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one to hear it, he jumps to conclusions.
6. Travel trains young people, but it costs a lot of luggage.
7. I’m so intelligent that sometimes I don’t understand a word I say.
8. I have a 1:1 scale world map, but I can’t unfold it.
9. The only thing I drink in moderation is water… because it has no taste.
10. Why is there a ‘D’ in ‘fridge’ but not in ‘refrigerator’?

Steven Wright’s Words 

1. I’m ambidextrous, I can write with my left hand just as badly as I can with my right.
2. If nothing weighed anything, it would be heavier than everything.
3. I tried to melt butter on the road, but it didn’t work. Maybe it was a highway.
4. I exercise every morning when I get up…every morning I get up.
5. When I was born, I was given two choices: be good at math or be good at math.
6. Mirrors don’t lie, unless you’re a vampire. – Steven Wright quotes
7. I don’t believe in the paranormal, but he believes me.
8. I called roadside assistance. They said they would be there in half an hour. They lied, I’m still broken down.
9. When I was a child, my mother told me that the world was my oyster. I tried to open it, but I only got a pearl.
10. I’m planning an expedition to the past, but I don’t know when to leave.

Steven Wright Quotes and Words

1. When I meditate, I always fall asleep. It’s like a coffee break for my brain.
2. Why do sports cars have back seats? Is it so the cops can give us double tickets?
3. I invented a new word: Plagiarize!
4. If numbers never lie, then is 1 the most honest number?
5. I wrote a sad song on toilet paper. It was a heartbreaking ballad. – Steven Wright quotes
6. I’m going to open a restaurant called ‘I Don’t Know.’ People will be like, ‘Let’s eat at I Don’t Know.’
7. My GPS is so sarcastic. It always says ‘Turn right, if you want. Or don’t turn. It’s your life.’
8. I looked in the mirror and saw my future. It was a time travel mirror.
9. Dreams are like kites. You let them go, and they fly up into the trees.
10. If you can’t decide, it’s probably because you have no choice.

Steven Wright Quotes and Words

1. Traffic lights are proof that most people don’t know where they are going.
2. I bought a book on failure. It was empty.
3. Patience is a virtue, except when you’re waiting for Wi-Fi.
4. I tried to catch a cloud, but it was too high. So I caught a cold instead.
5. When people ask me if I want the good or the bad side of life, I say ‘both, please.’
6. If a tree falls on a man in the forest and he doesn’t have a cell phone to film it, does it still make a sound?
7. I have a friend who is so lazy he never finishes dying. – Steven Wright quotes
8. I’m so old that when I was a child, the air was fresh and the water was clean.
9. I wonder if God can make a rock so heavy that he can’t lift it.
10. Why don’t mice never invite bats to their parties? Because they’re afraid they’ll hang everything up!

Also Read: 50 Quotes From Nostradamus: Unlocking the Enigma