In the world of humor, few minds shine as brilliantly bizarre as that of Steven Wright. Join us on a journey through his thought-provoking and offbeat Steven Wright Quotes and Words.
50 Steven Wright Quotes and Words
- I have a watch that ticks ahead.
- I’m so disorganized that I put everything in alphabetical order.
- Last week, I time traveled…a week.
- Why don’t turtles ever buy ice cream? Because it’s already frozen!
- If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we know?
- I wanted to be a veterinarian, but the cows didn’t want to be cured.
- Why do cemeteries have fences? Because people are dying to go in!
- I’ve never had a nightmare because I mostly sleep in broad daylight.
- I bought a magnifying mirror. It’s really a good buy, but it takes me hours to review it.
- If a mouse builds a nest in your outlet, does that make it a mouse-plug?
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- I tried to kill myself once, but failed. Now I live with invisible scars.
- Escalators never break down, they just become stairs.
- I have a friend who is an acupuncturist. He doesn’t have an office. He has a waiting room.
- I’m allergic to nuts, but I’m also allergic to not eating them.
- If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one to hear it, he jumps to conclusions.
- Travel trains young people, but it costs a lot of luggage.
- I’m so intelligent that sometimes I don’t understand a word I say.
- I have a 1:1 scale world map, but I can’t unfold it.
- The only thing I drink in moderation is water… because it has no taste.
- Why is there a ‘D’ in ‘fridge’ but not in ‘refrigerator’?
Steven Wright’s Words
- I’m ambidextrous, I can write with my left hand just as badly as I can with my right.
- If nothing weighed anything, it would be heavier than everything.
- I tried to melt butter on the road, but it didn’t work. Maybe it was a highway.
- I exercise every morning when I get up…every morning I get up.
- When I was born, I was given two choices: be good at math or be good at math.
- Mirrors don’t lie, unless you’re a vampire. – Steven Wright quotes
- I don’t believe in the paranormal, but he believes me.
- I called roadside assistance. They said they would be there in half an hour. They lied, I’m still broken down.
- When I was a child, my mother told me that the world was my oyster. I tried to open it, but I only got a pearl.
- I’m planning an expedition to the past, but I don’t know when to leave.
Steven Wright Quotes and Words
- When I meditate, I always fall asleep. It’s like a coffee break for my brain.
- Why do sports cars have back seats? Is it so the cops can give us double tickets?
- I invented a new word: Plagiarize!
- If numbers never lie, then is 1 the most honest number?
- I wrote a sad song on toilet paper. It was a heartbreaking ballad. – Steven Wright quotes
- I’m going to open a restaurant called ‘I Don’t Know.’ People will be like, ‘Let’s eat at I Don’t Know.’
- My GPS is so sarcastic. It always says ‘Turn right, if you want. Or don’t turn. It’s your life.’
- I looked in the mirror and saw my future. It was a time travel mirror.
- Dreams are like kites. You let them go, and they fly up into the trees.
- If you can’t decide, it’s probably because you have no choice.
Steven Wright Quotes and Words
- Traffic lights are proof that most people don’t know where they are going.
- I bought a book on failure. It was empty.
- Patience is a virtue, except when you’re waiting for Wi-Fi.
- I tried to catch a cloud, but it was too high. So I caught a cold instead.
- When people ask me if I want the good or the bad side of life, I say ‘both, please.’
- If a tree falls on a man in the forest and he doesn’t have a cell phone to film it, does it still make a sound?
- I have a friend who is so lazy he never finishes dying. – Steven Wright quotes
- I’m so old that when I was a child, the air was fresh and the water was clean.
- I wonder if God can make a rock so heavy that he can’t lift it.
- Why don’t mice never invite bats to their parties? Because they’re afraid they’ll hang everything up!